Paternal grandmother being rude?

by Dawn

(Regina, Canada)

My 17 year old daughter is expecting in Sept. She and the father of the baby aren’t together, and he hasn’t offered any support at all — in fact, has been quite immature about most things. His parents have been uncommunicative (except that they have demanded certain things through him to her, such as wanting the baby baptized, and their family name on the baby, and access. We have also become aware they’re decorating the spare room as a baby room and have requested the father to demand half custody, which won’t be happening!). In fact, I haven’t talked to the paternal grandmother since she kiboshed an opportunity for adoption back in July.
My daughter’s friend and her mother (my friend) planned a baby shower for her, as my daughter has been feeling rather ‘alone’ lately. It’s out of town in a community 2 1/2 hours from where the father’s family lives, and they don’t know anyone here. Basically, it was a community shower held prior to the baby’s arrival since all her friends will be leaving to university soon.
The night before the shower I got a message online from the paternal grandmother probing into having heard that there was a baby shower planned, and did I think it would be appropriate for her to attend, as she was certainly willing to do so (!!!). I replied thanking her for her concern, and explaining that it was a group of my daughter’s friends, and that a family shower would be planned after the arrival, so it wasn’t necessary for her to be here.
So am I being ‘way out there’ touchy about this, or is she being extremely pushy? I feel that for someone whose son hasn’t stepped up to his responsibilities, and who hasn’t offered to help out either, that it was a very ballsy move on her part.

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Paternal grandmother being rude?

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Sep 05, 2012

Paternal grandmother

by: Anonymous

You seem to think you and your daughter are the only people who can make decisions for the baby. No wonder the paternal grandmother is acting pushy, you have cut her out before the baby is born. The child has two parents no matter how you feel about him and his mother is correct that he should request joint custody, because when he matures, and he most likely will, he will want to have his son in his life.

Stop acting so hard and confrontational – this is her grandchild, too. You can be welcoming and understanding and it will get you a lot further in having your needs met. My son and his ex had a very similar situation and 8 years later now all parties get along extremely well for the sake of the child – it’s not about you. The best gift anyone can give a child is love and the more people who love the child the better off the child will be. Sounds like some growing up is in order for all people involved in this.

Aug 19, 2009

My thoughts…

by: Sonya

It sounds to me like the grandmother wants to be in the child’s life, even though the father does not. I think the grandmother is being a little pushy, but she may not realize how she is acting. Maybe she is just genuinely trying to be a part of her grandchild’s life. But even if this is the case, she should not be pushing so hard for the father to pursue joint custody. I don’t know how old he is, but I’m assuming he’s old enough to make his own decisions. If he does pursue custody, it should be because he wants to, not because it’s what his grandmother wants.

I think you should try to have a talk with her. It sounds like this is something you would definitely not want to do. But, you should so that you and your daughter wont have to keep going through this kind of stuff until the child is 18. Talk to her and explain to her that you and your daughter are upset about the way the father is acting. Are you and your daughter okay with letting the grandmother see the child? Despite how you feel about this situation, they are still the child’s family too. I have heard stories before about resentment of the custodial mother because she would let the child see the other side of the family. I’m a true believer in always being the bigger person. Even if the father won’t help out emotionally and financially, the child should still know who her father and grandparents are, and the grandparents should be able to be in the child’s life if they choose. Even though it was the father who helped make the baby and now is not doing anything about it, the grandparents cannot be held responsible for their son’s actions.

Now, as far as the baptizing and other similar important decisions, that should be left up to the mother to decide, and no one else. Usually, the father would be part of the decision making with issues such as this too. But, since the father is showing no interest in the child, the mother should decide on that.

As far as them decorating a room for the baby, they have every right to do that, whether the father pursues custody or not. It’s their home, so they have the right do whatever they wish with it. Hopefully, your daughter will allow her child to get to know her grandparents. And when the child goes to visit, he/she will have a room of his/her own in their house.

I can understand your feelings about this whole situation, but I think you would be more at ease if you try to open up a little and try to communicate with the grandmother. Like I said before, it sounds like she just wants to be a part of the child’s life. And you and your daughter should be happy that someone on the father’s side of the family is showing interest in the child.

I certainly hope you decide to let us know what has become of this situation. Whether you do or do not, best wishes to all of you, and I hope everything works out for the best.

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